I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
