I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
