fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
