I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
