I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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