I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
