Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
