it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
