Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
