how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
