Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
