Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
