two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
