your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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