Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
