I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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