maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
