I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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