so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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