Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your penis caused this!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
