2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
