that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
