Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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