Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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