...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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