My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
