So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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