apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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