I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
