im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
