I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
