thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
