I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
