I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
