video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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