She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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