I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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