My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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