So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
