yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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