In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
