Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
