next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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