I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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