i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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