dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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