im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
