my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
