I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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