So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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