Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
