All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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